Trust In Me.

I don't know where to begin to be honest. No. Scratch that. I don't know where to end...

I'm confused about a lot right now. And bummed out, I guess you can say. And you probably already know why.

Truth is, I don't know where to go from here.

Is it right to leave here?

Is what I want right at all?

I'm tired of being alone. I miss you so much... so much.


There's so much I want from you. I still don't understand what happened as much as I want to understand. I don't.


Sometimes, I want to be angry. Sometimes, I feel I have a right to be angry, but I can't be. Not at you at least. Not at finally seeing you happy.


I will put my emotions aside for you anyday.


I want you to talk to me like I'm your best friend. Kinda like you did Sunday night. I felt happy with you trusting me like that all over again. And I want you to know and believe that the advice I gave you was from the bottom of my heart. Not because I still want you or I'm just your ex girlfriend.

I want the best for you. And I know you deserve better.


But it's hard to take advice about relationships from an ex that you know still has feelings for you, I know. I'm sorry. But I just want you to know that I will put my feelings aside to push you toward the person you want to be with. Or even the relationship. Even if it's not me. As hard as it may be for you to believe, I will put aside my emotions for you. I always have. If it makes you happy, then so be it. Trust in me.


I'm here for you.

'Just Friends'

You know, I used to think that you could be best friends with the opposite sex, and that nothing could go wrong. I always thought that falling in love with them would be even better than just starting a relationship with someone you just met two days ago. I mean, what could be better than spending all of your days with your best friend? Maybe I was wrong...?




I've had my opportunity for friends, but I don't take them solely for this reason. I'm scared to fall all over again. At this moment, this is the thing that I fear most.



One of my worst fears is losing those that I am closest to...



But losing you is worse. You are more than just a person to me. You became everything to me. And this, I'm not sure that you'll ever comprehend, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.



It's been a month and nine days, and the pain is still there.



I can't help it. No matter who I talk to, how distracted I am, or who I decide to hang out with, I want more than anything for them to be you. And I'm not sure how long this will take until it finally fades away completely, but in some odd way, I kind of like it, and yet, I hate this feeling more than anything. I haven't exactly figured out why, but I'm sure that time will tell.



Incomplete; Hopeful; Unhappy, yet happy for you; I don't know...



There's a huge part of me that wants you so badly still. But there's also the part that's learning to accept and be happy for you. You've found what you've wanted. Or so it seems.



And even though at times I feel that you treat me like a stranger, I refuse to quit and break my promises. I'm still here, babe. Always will be. You keep me alive still. And as fragile as my heart feels right now, is as tender as all the love that I will continue to give you.



You are still in my life. And as much as you may forget it, I'm still in yours...



Let me be there for you. Let me be the one you can come to if you have a problem.



'I help you, you help me' right?



Well, this is how it's gonna work...



Thank you<3

Santa Can't Afford This. I Promise You.

"You can close your eyes to what you do not want to see; but you cannot close your heart away from things you do not want to feel."

almost a whole month has passed, and i still want you.. i can't let go. i'm still reaching out to you, baby... i'm still in love with you. no matter how long I last without talking to or seeing you, it's there. and it just seems to keep growing the less i see you. that feeling. that thought. those memories; they're embossed into my mind.

the memories are the most difficult thing. everything reminds me of you. places, cameras, basketball courts, movies, grass, rialto, fontana, ontario, disneyland, six flags, singing, my clothes, certain scents, Mirages, writing, penguins, pandas, dogs, wintertime, december, january, all the months of the year, laughing, stupid jokes, 'baby', thinking about my future, driving, video games, the way i do my hair, my makeup, guitars, music...and just soo many other things. they all just point toward you.

i'm trying my best to get up and move forward, but you don't understand...  you and i, we've been everywhere.. we talked about everything. now the only thing that i can talk to is stupid paper, or this stupid screen...

i'm angry. i'm mad. i'm frustrated. i'm happy for you. i'm sad.

i can feel you.. i can hear you. still.

what's wrong with me??

i'm losing it..

I told you that I would be lost without you. i knew it...

i wish i knew everything..

where i went wrong.

i've never regretted anything in my life, and you know that. but the one thing, and the only thing i know i'll ever regret, is losing you...



i wish that there was something that i could do or say that would bring you back. bring everything back. to reunite us.. you have no idea how many times a day i wish this.. i'm lost. i'm broken. i'm incomplete...



nothing that anyone can say, or do can change that... i know it. i feel it...



nobody warned me about heartbreak because i never believed in it. not with you.. ever.




i love you, andy j. guzman.
and that's where it will always stand, my feelings...
they will go no where else from here.





goodnight. and sweet dreams, my love.

<333 01.08.08 <333

Irrelavantly Relavant.

On Thursday night, we decided to try this again. I know, you're a bit iffy about it, but I will change the way you think and feel about it. I promise.

At one point two years ago when we had just met, I asked you for a favor. And that favor was to help me accomplish something. Two months later, we had began our relationship, and I felt that this was what I was going to accomplish: spending my life with you. As long as it took for me to learn, and as difficult as some things were for us, we had already accomplished the beginning of a new and beautiful relationship. From the difficulties of our families, to my instabilities, and more, we accomplished it all.

Two years ago, I asked you to help me accomplish something, and our relationship turned out to be what I was going to accomplish. The reason I got so angry when I heard that you wanted what you wanted was because I was still working so hard, and I was so determined to getting to what I wanted to accomplish. To getting to what you promised we would get to. I had finally gathered the strength to accomplish what we had talked about for almost two years. And then, it all got taken away just within a few tears and soft breaths. It was a matter of moments, and it was all gone...

I had changed and put so much effort into this relationship. As long as you say that it took, and as many things as you had to teach me, it paid off very well in the end. I'm no longer that little girl that walked up to you in that choir room with nothing but ignorance and weakness to shine through her; I am anything but that now, baby. Today, I stand tall (not literally speaking, of course) and strong and it's gonna take a lot more than just distance to knock me down. Yes, it is because of you, but I think it's also because I stepped up. I grew up. I stopped being that kid you first met. I have put my effort in this relationship.

So, now, I'm asking to let me accomplish this. Let me be the one and the only one to keep that smile on your face. I'm not asking you for help, baby, because I know that you've done your part. I am willing to do this on my own. The reason I'm a lot stronger now is for this. In the meantime, you take your time out to gather yourself together.

You now know that I've been looking for a job like crazy these past few days. I will find one if it kills me just so that I can see you when you need me. So that I can get to you when you need me, and so that nobody else has to do it. I'm tired of being hurt because somebody else has to be there a lot of the time instead of me. I'm tired of hurting, baby. I'm tired of seeing you hurt. I love you so much, and when you're not happy, I'm not happy. If you're hurt, I'm hurt.

All you have to do for now is have faith. Believe that I will do this. I promise you. I will prove to you that all of this is happening because it's just another obstacle for us to overcome, baby. This relationship will be what we've always said it was. It will be what we've always wanted and more. I promise. Just hang on for a bit. Everything is going to change. I promise. God will help us get through this all.

I love you and I miss you so much. I'll see you soon, but in the meantime, stay strong for me, and keep your head up, and pray. We're going to be okay. I promise, baby.

I Love You, Penguin.

<333 01.08.08 <333

Always...

My Love, My Love...

This last poem was written August 29, 2009 by you.
I remember reading this poem, and feeling the most beautiful thing in the world. If I knew the word for it, I would use, but I know it wasn't love. It was something more. I remember I even teared up, and you made fun of me for it. Nothing in the world will ever be able to top what I still feel for you or how appreciated I feel of you. You gave me what nobody could ever give me. You made me feel wanted, appreciated, loved, but you also showed me and reminded me what 'stability' was. I'm not sure if I will be able to feel that again, but I just want to tell you that I will work my ass off to make this relationship continue.

I honestly no longer know what more to say. I've said all that I had to say to try to stay with you..

The only thing that I believe that I can do is work my ass off from this point on. I know we're meant to be. I feel it. And honestly, I really hope that you find what you're looking for because I really miss and need you like you'll never ever know right now. You've put your part in enough, I guess. And I guess that now, it's my turn to make a change for us. So don't worry, baby. Everything will be fine. I promise. Just please wait for me. Please. Make this worth the wait. And I'll do my best to make my part worth waiting for too. I love you and I miss you soooo much, my Penguin. I still have 74 more penguins to give you, by the way, and the rest of my life too.

Goodnight for now.

Always <333 01.08.08 <333

Happily Heartless by Andy Jonathan Guzman

My lungs gasp for air as i fall to the black & white tiled floor.
My breath has been taken!
But by who? Why me? Have i been mistaken?
My shivering arms wrap around my ailing chest but i come to realize that my blood is seeping through my shirt and vest.
My heart has been stolen!
But by who? Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
Who could this thief be?

Blood covers the black and white tiled floor.
Touching every wall even reaching the old wooden door.
A shadow emerges through the poorly lighted hallway.
Opens the old wooden door with its bloody hands and asks if i am ok?
and as she came closer I realized than my thief is a woman but unlike an that i have ever known.
A smile that lit the darkened room and a presence that did not indicate any sort of doom.
Unsure of the sincereness i respond with nothing and she replied to the silence by laying with me in this dark bloody room.

She leaned over and placed her head on my bloody vest.
Took her hand and dug into her chest.
Placed her heart into my hands.
Pressed her lips onto my cheek.
Approached my ear and whispered" my heart is yours to keep and in me there is no other you will have to seek"

One year, six months, twenty-one days later i remain happily heartless.

Happily taken.


Happily loved.


Happy.

<33

I love you so much, baby<33



You'll never really know how much I adore spending my days with you, Penguin.



You truly are the only thing I need in my life to keep me happy.
I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you.



Goodnight, Andy<33
My love, my everything.



I love you, I love you, I love you!!!


<010808

Going Away.

Why do you have to leave?? Haha.


I know it's only for two days, but I feel like I'm dying if I don't see you for ONE day, haha.



Eh, oh well. You have to do what you have to do.



I'll just comment you a bunch of times until you get your phone working, haha.


I love you so much!
Don't even sweat it; everything will turn out great.
God's with you (:


I miss you!
Muah!<33

"Snap!"

Hahaha<33

I Love You, Baby!!

75 Penguins.

Don't worry, my love.

I haven't forgetten<33

Haha.

Nothing's Better

Than spending a day with you. Or to have you sitting next to me holding my hand.




I love to watch you laugh. And for some reason, I laugh with you, even if what you're laughing at isn't funny to me, haha.




You are contagious, and addicting.




And I'm not complaining.




I love you, baby<33

Future Baby Panda or Penguin

won't be ugly either, haha. Well, at least I don't believe so.





The only thing the baby will have for sure is a big head cause we BOTH have big heads. Plus, your's is shaped in a funky way, haha :p But it's okay, cause I'll love it anyway.




Even if it disfigures my vagina in a very nasty, brutal way... >.<
Hahaha.




I'm bored.





Don't judge me, haha.




But we still have a long way to go before the little animal would come along into our wonderful lives, haha.

It Only Makes Us Stronger...

So we're almost at two years (: Well, not really, aha, but we're getting there. Honestly, as a couple, I believe that we've reached the point at where most couples our age haven't. I mean, we've only been together for like a year and almost seven months and known each other for almost two years, and yet, we're way stronger, wiser, and more mature than any other couple I've met. I think we've even beat out my parents, haha.

Wow, and we have so much history too, baby! From the time that I walked up to you, to the time I forced you to watch Sweeney Todd (haha), to the time I fell flat on my face in front of you, and so many more memories. Gosh, I love it. And the thing that still gets me is that we're still growing up and learning as a couple. By now, I think that any other couple would have already broken up with the things that we've been through, but not us. We've stood by each other and learn to work on our differences like a real couple would.

You have made me the happiest Panda in the world. In my world, I'm rolling all over the greenest, fluffiest grass ever! Haha. I love how when I talk to other girls and I tell them about how you and I talk like 24/7 and see each other almost every day, they're all "Omgsh, don't you get tired of it? I would. I can't see my bf everyday cause then he gets on my nerves or we end up arguing." haha, but not us. I get excited to see you everyday. Even when we're angry at each other, haha. I swear, I do!

• I know I have my family and stuff, but you're honestly the only one that I can really talk to. You're the only one I can really have an intellectual conversation with.
• You're the only one that I can say the stupidest things and act the lamest ways, and you'll still get me the majority of the time.
• You're the only one I can tell all my secrets to and the only one I know who will keep them.
• You're the only one who will take care of me when I'm sick.
• You're the only one who can make me laugh because you know my tickle spots.
• You're the only one who knows what I'm really feeling.
• You're the only one who would sacrifice the most amazing job just to stay with me.
• You're the only one who really believes in me.
• And of all the people in the world, you're the only one who loves me as much as you do.

What I'm tring to say is that I love you. I've said it so many ways before so I thought I might change it up a bit, ha. I'm lucky I'm in love with you. I'm lucky I ever got the chance to know you. You make me so happy. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've ever cost you. One day, I'll pay you back for everything you've done for me, and more. I'm sorry.

I love you.

<010808

So It All Comes Down to This.

Our love is now being tested. Me not having a phone sucks ass, baby, I know. And I know right now is one of the most difficult times that we've had in our relationship because we can't really spend as much time together as we're used to spending, but that's why I've told, and I'll continue to tell you that we have to make the best of the times that we do have together. Even if it's just for fifteen minutes. I know it's going to be difficult, cause we've been inseperable since day one, but we have to do this for us, and for the sake of this relationship. It's only gonna be for a few months hopefully. Eventually they'll come around to our old ways again. We just have to be strong, baby.

Remember, my love, that you are my world. It's difficult not being able to hold you or kiss you or talk to you as often as I'm used to, but I'm willing to work hard at keeping my head held high. I know we got mad or annoyed at each other today, but we can't let it keep happening. And I'm sorry that I teared up today a few times. It's just with everything going on with money, and you and me, I'm really frusterated. I'm sorry, baby.

I'm just so anxious to know what's going to happen next. Everything's just come abroad all at the same time and it's just gotten me nervous cause my senior year's already here. I'm supposed to start school August 10th, but where? I have no clue. I still have to be mentally prepared to know exactly where we're going. Everything's just coming down on us all at once. It's really difficult. And I know things aren't going easy for you either right now. But this is why we have to be strong and consistent.

We've already been through a lot. I know we can overcome this obstacle, baby. We just have to keep working together. You and I, with the help of God, can accomplish anything we put our minds to. So, for now, let's just make the best of what we can get. I know it's a change from what we're used to, but let's adjust. Look at the up side now. At least we have more to talk to when we see each other. Somehow, that's a good thing. I'll try to keep from bursting with energy when I see you from now on. I'm sorry about last night if I annoyed you. I know all of this is probably jumbled up in my own way, ha, but who better to understand it than my Lame Penguin. I love you, baby. And cheer up a bit, please. We have lots of things to look forward to and overcome. I love you, baby. Goodnight<33

Haha,

so last night Andy and I were discussing the times when we had recently met and started spending one on one time together. It was funny cause after we talked about those times all over again, we felt like we had just started dating again, haha.

And then we kissed and it felt like our very first kiss.
It was quiet and awkward... haha.

I love how we have history together. It would be so hard if I ever lost you, baby.

And I don't care what anyone else says about you deserving better. All I know is that they stand on the outside looking in. Only we know the truth.

<33

Happy One Year and Six Months<33

So the day is finally here (:


A whole 18 months, and I'm still not tired of you, haha. Just kidding, baby.


I love you so much! I'm so thankful and blessed that God put us here together. I know that I may not always be the girlfriend you'll always deserve, but I'm learning a lot, and I think I've gotten the hang of this pretty well. I WILL get better. You can count on it, baby. Well, here's to a
a whole year and a half on our relationship and almost two years of being my best friend.
We have been through so much together. I can't wait to spend the rest of my days with you. You're all I've ever wanted and all I'll ever need.

IFLY, baby<33
Muah!


<33301.08.08<333

A Tiny Bit Peach.

I'll wait for you.
Enchanted; otherwise in love.

My love is that plastic rose.
For you the end is never near.

That ocean of apologies I drown you in.
Another apology for what I fail to produce.

Our time is here.
Let us become entwined.

I love you.
My love, my dear...

This is the house of learned doctors!

Dear Penguin,


Have I ever mentioned how amazing you truly are? I think I've pointed it out a few times.
Just thought I might tell you again.

A year and eight months after we've met, we are still here and standing strong. I know I'm not the perfect girlfriend and I know that I can be a big pain sometimes, but the truth is that I love you like no other person ever will.

But you were right, the real reason why we're still together is because of you. I'm sorry I don't always act like the person you deserve, but I promise I'll grow up. I'm trying to. Just give me time.

I love you, baby.

New Start.

So, today I actually feel like I got closer to your family :D






I feel a bit relieved now.






I think your mom invited me over again, ha.
It's all gonna work out<33







I'm excited to go over again, baby.







We're starting all over again.
I love it (:

Baby, Baby, Baby<33

Gosh, I have never been in this state of mind before in my life. I love it! Just the whole feeling of being loved and always having somebody there by your side is abolutely amazing. He has total control of my life, and I am actually okay with that. Without him, I would be so broken and still dong stupid things to this day. But thank God for giving me this wonderful blessing in my life. He has sent this angel just for me and I could never be more in debt to this wonderful person who has given me his all since day one. He loves me. I know he does. He has proved it. I only wish that I could return it all back to him and more. I love him.

1. The way he messes with me and calls me names just to pick on me. I love how we can both mess with each other, but still know when to stop.
2. I love how we can never be bored with each other. We always find something to do even of it's lame.
3. When I'm having a horrible day, I know that I can go straight to him and just vent without worrying that he'll be angry with me.
4. He always puts aside his situations just to help me out with mine.
5. I love how if my day is going really bad, or I'm crying, or I'm angry, he somehow always manages to put a huge smile on my face.
6. He has these amazingly beautiful, brown eyes and when the sun hits them they give off a hint of a honey color. And his dark, curly eyelashes just bring out the color of his eyes even more. That's my favorite.
7. His smile is huge and his laughter is the cutest. It's not too loud, but it's not quiet either. And I like how he doesn't have to laugh out loud at everything he thinks is funny.
8. I love how he's just so comfortable around me now that we can have fart battles and just laugh our asses off, haha.
9. I find it really awesome how we kind of are opposites in a lot of things, but I think that's what makes us stronger.
10. Our fights can almost always be solved. We haven't encountered one issue that we couldn't fix.
11. I think that with the way that we support one another, we will definitely get really far in life.
12. There are way too many more reasons why I love him, haha, so for now I'm just going to leave it at this. I'll list more when I don't have to sleep, haha.

I love you baby! Muah!<333

<33301.08.08<333

Not a Tear Was Shed

Baby, don't you worry, my love. Everything's going to be fine. Stop worrying. For now, just look ahead. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the only way that we'll know things will be fine. Don't stop now and say this is it. I'm with you every step of the way. I love you. Together, we're the strength that can keep ten together; but that's only together. I can't do this alone. We have to stay at the same pace that we began everything with. That's what keep you alive, baby. You AND I together. I will always be able to look ahead thanks to you, baby. But imagine what we could both do for each other if we both kept our heads up together. Maybe yours will stay a bit higher than mine 'cause mine's so big, haha, but that's okay because every bit counts. In this relationship, there is no such thing as looking down or giving up. We have proved that. Let us be triumphant in all that we do together. So, don't cry, darling. No more worrying. Just leave it in the hands of God and only Him. Remember that together we're inevitable.

(originally a text from me sent on February 1st, 2009 at 9:41 p.m.)

An Eternity to Save.

When your day is out, but your mind's still going...
When you have the world to say, but no words are flowing...
Look to the sky, and there I'll be.

If you're heart is just about to disperse,
And holding it together couldn't hurt more,
So that it makes you want to give in...
Look to the horizon, and there I'll always be.

You have an eternity to save, and nothing but living
nightmares to diminish.

Let's save this eternity and make the stars amongst us ours.
Let's dance away and let the rain wash away our sins.
Let's break into the morning when it is sound asleep.
Let's breathe in what the world cannot.

Show me the innocence that once has been lost
and I promise to show you what the others will not.
My life is for you and tomorrow will always be.
There is no wasting time when you and I collide.

Let's save this eternity and make the stars amongst us ours.
Let's dance to the rhythm of our ever-lasting love.
Let's break into the morning when it is sound asleep.
Let's breathe in what the world cannot.

No body, no gift, or line could break the stance of
what will always remain between us.
We're proceeding the opposite of the end.
I'm giving it back, I'm taking a stand.

My world continues to revolve around you,
My heart will continue to do what it has to do
as long as you remember that...

When your day is out, but your mind's still going...
When you have the world to say, but no words are flowing...
Take a look around you, there I'll be.

Let's save this eternity and make the atars amongst us ours.
Let's dance away and let the rain wash away our sins.
Let's break into the morning when it is sound asleep.
Let's breathe in what the world cannot.

I'm giving it back, I'm taking a stand.
My heart will continue to do what it has to do
as long as you remember that...

I love you, I need you.
The love of my life, please stand with me;
forever more my love, around you, it will float.
Breath in, breathe out; there it is.

Just saving it<3

Panlee Panda+Lame Penguin=<33

Last night was fun, even though we spent most of it driving, haha. And Nugget spent most of it in the car, haha. Sorry about that baby. But yeahh, just another memory to cherish and add to our last ten months of of ..tears.., ..laughter.., joy, and ..love... Gosh, we've accomplished SO much in these past ten months, and now, we've only got two more to fullfill a wonderful year that I withhold to adore and cherish for the rest of OUR lives. Meeting you was the best gift ever. You're laughter and optimism was very contagious, as I am glad to say, and is now something that I will always and forever more be grateful for. I can honestly tell you, my love, that at this point in our love story, I have no idea where I would be. In your arms, I've learned to feel more secure than ever. You have made me more confident in who I am. You MAKE ME who I am today, and I can honestly say that I like it very much. Yes, I know I still have many things to work out and what not, but I know that we'll always have each other to help conquer each other's ways. I love you my Lame Penguin! My love, my life, my best friend, my other half...you complete me.

-Panlee Panda™
November 09,2008 at 11:16 a.m.

<3301.08.08<33

Nocturnal For Eternity.

I dream by day and live by night.
Cause that's the only time that the world comprehends me.
I mustn't creep, but dare I speak?
Who is next in line to tear away the light?

Break the stance, or eat your words.
I fall to keep the world spinning still.
My worst desires are all thrown in the fire.
For the ashes are still to be renewed.

I favor the night that's close to my heart.
Ignorant desires are to be left ten steps aside.
Walking beside you they hear every secret.
And soon enough, they can shred you apart.

I gave in to life.
I gave in to bliss.
And every desire just became the abyss.
An eternity to accomplish, a journey just begun.

The lock, I have found.
The key, my night contains.
I dream by day, and still live by night.
I guess I chose to be...alive.