Santa Can't Afford This. I Promise You.

"You can close your eyes to what you do not want to see; but you cannot close your heart away from things you do not want to feel."

almost a whole month has passed, and i still want you.. i can't let go. i'm still reaching out to you, baby... i'm still in love with you. no matter how long I last without talking to or seeing you, it's there. and it just seems to keep growing the less i see you. that feeling. that thought. those memories; they're embossed into my mind.

the memories are the most difficult thing. everything reminds me of you. places, cameras, basketball courts, movies, grass, rialto, fontana, ontario, disneyland, six flags, singing, my clothes, certain scents, Mirages, writing, penguins, pandas, dogs, wintertime, december, january, all the months of the year, laughing, stupid jokes, 'baby', thinking about my future, driving, video games, the way i do my hair, my makeup, guitars, music...and just soo many other things. they all just point toward you.

i'm trying my best to get up and move forward, but you don't understand...  you and i, we've been everywhere.. we talked about everything. now the only thing that i can talk to is stupid paper, or this stupid screen...

i'm angry. i'm mad. i'm frustrated. i'm happy for you. i'm sad.

i can feel you.. i can hear you. still.

what's wrong with me??

i'm losing it..

I told you that I would be lost without you. i knew it...

i wish i knew everything..

where i went wrong.

i've never regretted anything in my life, and you know that. but the one thing, and the only thing i know i'll ever regret, is losing you...



i wish that there was something that i could do or say that would bring you back. bring everything back. to reunite us.. you have no idea how many times a day i wish this.. i'm lost. i'm broken. i'm incomplete...



nothing that anyone can say, or do can change that... i know it. i feel it...



nobody warned me about heartbreak because i never believed in it. not with you.. ever.




i love you, andy j. guzman.
and that's where it will always stand, my feelings...
they will go no where else from here.





goodnight. and sweet dreams, my love.

<333 01.08.08 <333