Trust In Me.

I don't know where to begin to be honest. No. Scratch that. I don't know where to end...

I'm confused about a lot right now. And bummed out, I guess you can say. And you probably already know why.

Truth is, I don't know where to go from here.

Is it right to leave here?

Is what I want right at all?

I'm tired of being alone. I miss you so much... so much.


There's so much I want from you. I still don't understand what happened as much as I want to understand. I don't.


Sometimes, I want to be angry. Sometimes, I feel I have a right to be angry, but I can't be. Not at you at least. Not at finally seeing you happy.


I will put my emotions aside for you anyday.


I want you to talk to me like I'm your best friend. Kinda like you did Sunday night. I felt happy with you trusting me like that all over again. And I want you to know and believe that the advice I gave you was from the bottom of my heart. Not because I still want you or I'm just your ex girlfriend.

I want the best for you. And I know you deserve better.


But it's hard to take advice about relationships from an ex that you know still has feelings for you, I know. I'm sorry. But I just want you to know that I will put my feelings aside to push you toward the person you want to be with. Or even the relationship. Even if it's not me. As hard as it may be for you to believe, I will put aside my emotions for you. I always have. If it makes you happy, then so be it. Trust in me.


I'm here for you.

'Just Friends'

You know, I used to think that you could be best friends with the opposite sex, and that nothing could go wrong. I always thought that falling in love with them would be even better than just starting a relationship with someone you just met two days ago. I mean, what could be better than spending all of your days with your best friend? Maybe I was wrong...?




I've had my opportunity for friends, but I don't take them solely for this reason. I'm scared to fall all over again. At this moment, this is the thing that I fear most.



One of my worst fears is losing those that I am closest to...



But losing you is worse. You are more than just a person to me. You became everything to me. And this, I'm not sure that you'll ever comprehend, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.



It's been a month and nine days, and the pain is still there.



I can't help it. No matter who I talk to, how distracted I am, or who I decide to hang out with, I want more than anything for them to be you. And I'm not sure how long this will take until it finally fades away completely, but in some odd way, I kind of like it, and yet, I hate this feeling more than anything. I haven't exactly figured out why, but I'm sure that time will tell.



Incomplete; Hopeful; Unhappy, yet happy for you; I don't know...



There's a huge part of me that wants you so badly still. But there's also the part that's learning to accept and be happy for you. You've found what you've wanted. Or so it seems.



And even though at times I feel that you treat me like a stranger, I refuse to quit and break my promises. I'm still here, babe. Always will be. You keep me alive still. And as fragile as my heart feels right now, is as tender as all the love that I will continue to give you.



You are still in my life. And as much as you may forget it, I'm still in yours...



Let me be there for you. Let me be the one you can come to if you have a problem.



'I help you, you help me' right?



Well, this is how it's gonna work...



Thank you<3

Santa Can't Afford This. I Promise You.

"You can close your eyes to what you do not want to see; but you cannot close your heart away from things you do not want to feel."

almost a whole month has passed, and i still want you.. i can't let go. i'm still reaching out to you, baby... i'm still in love with you. no matter how long I last without talking to or seeing you, it's there. and it just seems to keep growing the less i see you. that feeling. that thought. those memories; they're embossed into my mind.

the memories are the most difficult thing. everything reminds me of you. places, cameras, basketball courts, movies, grass, rialto, fontana, ontario, disneyland, six flags, singing, my clothes, certain scents, Mirages, writing, penguins, pandas, dogs, wintertime, december, january, all the months of the year, laughing, stupid jokes, 'baby', thinking about my future, driving, video games, the way i do my hair, my makeup, guitars, music...and just soo many other things. they all just point toward you.

i'm trying my best to get up and move forward, but you don't understand...  you and i, we've been everywhere.. we talked about everything. now the only thing that i can talk to is stupid paper, or this stupid screen...

i'm angry. i'm mad. i'm frustrated. i'm happy for you. i'm sad.

i can feel you.. i can hear you. still.

what's wrong with me??

i'm losing it..

I told you that I would be lost without you. i knew it...

i wish i knew everything..

where i went wrong.

i've never regretted anything in my life, and you know that. but the one thing, and the only thing i know i'll ever regret, is losing you...



i wish that there was something that i could do or say that would bring you back. bring everything back. to reunite us.. you have no idea how many times a day i wish this.. i'm lost. i'm broken. i'm incomplete...



nothing that anyone can say, or do can change that... i know it. i feel it...



nobody warned me about heartbreak because i never believed in it. not with you.. ever.




i love you, andy j. guzman.
and that's where it will always stand, my feelings...
they will go no where else from here.





goodnight. and sweet dreams, my love.

<333 01.08.08 <333

Irrelavantly Relavant.

On Thursday night, we decided to try this again. I know, you're a bit iffy about it, but I will change the way you think and feel about it. I promise.

At one point two years ago when we had just met, I asked you for a favor. And that favor was to help me accomplish something. Two months later, we had began our relationship, and I felt that this was what I was going to accomplish: spending my life with you. As long as it took for me to learn, and as difficult as some things were for us, we had already accomplished the beginning of a new and beautiful relationship. From the difficulties of our families, to my instabilities, and more, we accomplished it all.

Two years ago, I asked you to help me accomplish something, and our relationship turned out to be what I was going to accomplish. The reason I got so angry when I heard that you wanted what you wanted was because I was still working so hard, and I was so determined to getting to what I wanted to accomplish. To getting to what you promised we would get to. I had finally gathered the strength to accomplish what we had talked about for almost two years. And then, it all got taken away just within a few tears and soft breaths. It was a matter of moments, and it was all gone...

I had changed and put so much effort into this relationship. As long as you say that it took, and as many things as you had to teach me, it paid off very well in the end. I'm no longer that little girl that walked up to you in that choir room with nothing but ignorance and weakness to shine through her; I am anything but that now, baby. Today, I stand tall (not literally speaking, of course) and strong and it's gonna take a lot more than just distance to knock me down. Yes, it is because of you, but I think it's also because I stepped up. I grew up. I stopped being that kid you first met. I have put my effort in this relationship.

So, now, I'm asking to let me accomplish this. Let me be the one and the only one to keep that smile on your face. I'm not asking you for help, baby, because I know that you've done your part. I am willing to do this on my own. The reason I'm a lot stronger now is for this. In the meantime, you take your time out to gather yourself together.

You now know that I've been looking for a job like crazy these past few days. I will find one if it kills me just so that I can see you when you need me. So that I can get to you when you need me, and so that nobody else has to do it. I'm tired of being hurt because somebody else has to be there a lot of the time instead of me. I'm tired of hurting, baby. I'm tired of seeing you hurt. I love you so much, and when you're not happy, I'm not happy. If you're hurt, I'm hurt.

All you have to do for now is have faith. Believe that I will do this. I promise you. I will prove to you that all of this is happening because it's just another obstacle for us to overcome, baby. This relationship will be what we've always said it was. It will be what we've always wanted and more. I promise. Just hang on for a bit. Everything is going to change. I promise. God will help us get through this all.

I love you and I miss you so much. I'll see you soon, but in the meantime, stay strong for me, and keep your head up, and pray. We're going to be okay. I promise, baby.

I Love You, Penguin.

<333 01.08.08 <333

Always...

My Love, My Love...

This last poem was written August 29, 2009 by you.
I remember reading this poem, and feeling the most beautiful thing in the world. If I knew the word for it, I would use, but I know it wasn't love. It was something more. I remember I even teared up, and you made fun of me for it. Nothing in the world will ever be able to top what I still feel for you or how appreciated I feel of you. You gave me what nobody could ever give me. You made me feel wanted, appreciated, loved, but you also showed me and reminded me what 'stability' was. I'm not sure if I will be able to feel that again, but I just want to tell you that I will work my ass off to make this relationship continue.

I honestly no longer know what more to say. I've said all that I had to say to try to stay with you..

The only thing that I believe that I can do is work my ass off from this point on. I know we're meant to be. I feel it. And honestly, I really hope that you find what you're looking for because I really miss and need you like you'll never ever know right now. You've put your part in enough, I guess. And I guess that now, it's my turn to make a change for us. So don't worry, baby. Everything will be fine. I promise. Just please wait for me. Please. Make this worth the wait. And I'll do my best to make my part worth waiting for too. I love you and I miss you soooo much, my Penguin. I still have 74 more penguins to give you, by the way, and the rest of my life too.

Goodnight for now.

Always <333 01.08.08 <333

Happily Heartless by Andy Jonathan Guzman

My lungs gasp for air as i fall to the black & white tiled floor.
My breath has been taken!
But by who? Why me? Have i been mistaken?
My shivering arms wrap around my ailing chest but i come to realize that my blood is seeping through my shirt and vest.
My heart has been stolen!
But by who? Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
Who could this thief be?

Blood covers the black and white tiled floor.
Touching every wall even reaching the old wooden door.
A shadow emerges through the poorly lighted hallway.
Opens the old wooden door with its bloody hands and asks if i am ok?
and as she came closer I realized than my thief is a woman but unlike an that i have ever known.
A smile that lit the darkened room and a presence that did not indicate any sort of doom.
Unsure of the sincereness i respond with nothing and she replied to the silence by laying with me in this dark bloody room.

She leaned over and placed her head on my bloody vest.
Took her hand and dug into her chest.
Placed her heart into my hands.
Pressed her lips onto my cheek.
Approached my ear and whispered" my heart is yours to keep and in me there is no other you will have to seek"

One year, six months, twenty-one days later i remain happily heartless.

Happily taken.


Happily loved.


Happy.

<33

I love you so much, baby<33



You'll never really know how much I adore spending my days with you, Penguin.



You truly are the only thing I need in my life to keep me happy.
I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you.



Goodnight, Andy<33
My love, my everything.



I love you, I love you, I love you!!!


<010808